It’s been two weeks after ending our 2023 Pacific Crest Trail journey and I am still processing what I learned and how I’m feeling. The five months of walking were absolutely wonderful, but were layered with a lot of happiness, pain, realizations, and moments of joy. I was surprised by the complex feelings I had when the journey came to an end—relief, sadness, excitement, and anxiety—and I’m sure I’ll continue grappling with those in the coming days.

As expected, we didn’t walk every mile. We changed pace and course as we wanted in response to our bodies and our own desires. Time and time again, we reminded ourselves that we were on this journey for our pleasure alone, and to the extent possible listened to ourselves rather than external pressures or fear when making decisions about how far, long, and fast we were going to walk.

This practice really got to the heart of the goals I set when starting out last May – to be present, to practice listening, and to break old habits. By coming back to these goals and reflecting on them along the way, I had a few other realizations that I’ll be taking forward with me.

I’m learning how to approach difficult or complex feelings with gratitude, rather than guilt. For example, ever since deciding to hike the PCT I’ve had a nagging sense of guilt stemming from the the fact that we had the time and resources to do this while others don’t. But I have come to realize that all people deserve wonder and joy, so my having this opportunity while others don’t isn’t, in itself, selfish or sinful. I am grateful to both have been lucky to have had the opportunities I’ve had throughout my life AND to have done the work and made the decisions that led me to this path. I’m also practicing gratitude for my feet even when they hurt, and for the time and space to have big feelings when they come up.

Another trail lesson is to differentiate disappointment in an outcome or a situation from disappointment in myself. Being comfortable with disappointment is so freeing! It relieves huge pressure and self-doubt from making a “wrong” decision or replaying something wishing it had gone differently, and it can bypass the cycle of blame that I so often would default to in the past. Things often don’t go the way we want, and that can come with a lot of pain. But the pain doesn’t usually last very long and a new opportunity will be along in no time.

I already miss the simplicity of being on the trail. I am looking forward to purging unwanted items from the house, and to a lifestyle not centered on consumption (though I’ll be honest I do miss the daily consumption of pop tarts, Fritos, and Oreos). I also miss the kindness and generosity of the dozens of people we met along the way. In the city I also hope to find new ways of connecting with the humans and nature around me.

I’m coming to understand why people get addicted to these long hikes. We met dozens of others who are already talking about their next trail. It’s really an amazing way to exist. And not walking every mile of the trail this year provides a wonderful invitation for us to easily continue this journey in the future, whether that’s finishing up some sections we missed or exploring somewhere new.

Today, I am grateful for the comfortable home and snuggly cats that we have come back to and I am looking forward to autumn of care and nourishment, filled with connections with friends and family. And hope that I never forget when times are a rough to pause, look up, and see the wonder around me.